Gotta Admire The Artist

There are songs that I have in my iTunes library that always bring me back to a memory. The most vivid of which is 'The Other Man' by Sloan. Everytime I hear that I'm taken back to 2 summers ago in July. David (my boyfriend of the time) bought me Foo Fighters tickets for my birthday and Sloan was opening. As we walked into the concert, this song was playing. David pulled me into a quiet corner (or as quiet as one gets in the Pacific Colluseum) and said that this song explained how he'd felt over the past 2 years. It was at that point in time that it all became clear. He'd loved me from a distance for 2 years - not daring to ever say anything to me because I was with Andrew. Being the upstanding guy that David is, he wasn't willing to risk ruining the friendship by saying something, especially when I already had a boyfriend. He put up with me complaining about Andrew and then complaining about Mark before he eventually made his move. Out of nowhere he kissed me on New Years Eve. The amusing thing was he actually kissed me in the middle of the afternoon. Anyway, I digress. 'The Other Man' takes me right back to that summer. The Foo Fighters concert, the house to ourselves for the weekend, drinking in Richmond (okay, maybe not one of my favorite memories but one of the most vivid nonetheless).


'More Than A Feeling' by Boston takes me back quite a while to when I started to date Andrew. It would have been four summers ago this summer past. I remember lying in my bed looking out window thinking of him when my email program made a noise. I checked it to find an email from him saying that he was lying in his bed, looking out his window, thinking of me and this song kept running through his head. He said it perfectly described how he felt at that moment and he was right. It hit the feeling right on the head. It's new, exciting, scary and you can't help but fall head over heels. It was just funny how we were both doing the same thing on opposite sides of the city. Definitely that was a time when I would have loved to have just driven over and spent the night lying on a bed together.


I think there's only one more in my list of songs with powerful memories attached. 'Such Great Heights' by The Postal Service reminds me of Mark. It conjurs memories of one night three summers ago. Mark had had too much to drink (he'll always deny that) and to sober him up I thought it would be a good idea to walk around the Seawall at Kits. We're walking along and he's starting to become more coherent when, out of nowhere, he puts his arm around me. It just felt so ... natural. We got to the end of the Seawal and sat on a bench, looking out over the ocean. He turns to me and I swear he was about to kiss me before he thought better of it. Somewhere down the beach 'Such Great Heights' was playing on a stereo. It just played as we sat there, looking into each other's eyes, both of us trying to gather the courage to make the big move and take the relationship just that last step. Unfortunately neither of us ever made the step. We came close a couple of times but I guess we always wussed out. I don't know what to think about my relationship with Mark. Don't get me wrong, I love James and wouldn't have my life any other way. But that doesn't stop me wondering. We're so close now, it's like we're siblings. I can tell him anything (well, almost anything) and he can do the same with me. I guess I wonder, do you ever feel that you were just 'meant' to end up with someone in the end? Like there's that one person out there who's been under your nose all along but you just keep overlooking them. Like eventually you're both going to come to the realization that the answer to all your problems have been staring you in the face the entire time and you didn't even know it. I think that's how I feel about Mark. I know, somewhere deep down, that we could easily end up together and it would actually be true love. It's just a matter of whether or not it actually happens. And, usually, I find the best way to deal with stuff like that is to just let fate run its course and not intervene.


Don't get me wrong, if I end up with James then I'm totally okay with that. Better than okay, I'm lucky to have him in my life. He's my stabilizing force. He lets me be random and sketchy and just takes me as I am. There aren't many other people in this world who will accept you for who you are and not wish you were someone else. Definitely someone worth holding on to for a long time.


I wish I could write songs like that. Songs that could recount such amazingly vivid memories. Definitely the test of a good song.

you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

-- Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

Bailing out and making out

Why is it that I always post right after I've spent time with James? I guess it's the only thing even remotely interesting in my life. I mean really, who wants to know about school anyway?

We were supposed to go to Fright Nights but bailed out when it started to pour. In all honesty, I would have much rather spent the night somewhere warm with him so it was totally okay. We were going to watch Grey's but it was a rerun so we watched the Teen Choice Awards instead (stupidest idea ever). We're sitting on his bed, watching the stupid show when, as usual, I start to tickle him. Which was followed by him tickling me and so on. Anyway, I ended up sprawled across his chest, looking at him, silently daring him to do something. I eventually lost patience and kissed him. As was expected, it just started a chain of reactions. We were making out with me on top when he flipped me over and, accidentally I'm sure considering it's James, ended up with me on my back and his between my legs. Do we ever line up nicely. I made a comment about him making a 'nice move' and he just stopped dead and looked at me. I turned it into a joke and totally recovered it (thank god) but that was definitely a strange moment. The making out continued and the kisses definitely started to get deeper and more serious. We were almost at the point where I was going to consider taking it another step when his roommate walks in the door.

Last Saturday after we did all this last Friday, his roommate made some comment about how 'someone' got a lot of 'action'. So we were trying to prevent a repeat of that.

In any event, his roommate walks in the door to the house, I immediately jump off him, straighten my hair and sit on the bed against the wall before James can even say anything. His only comment was 'god you're quick at that'. My response was 'yeah, lots of practice'. It was out of my mouth before I could even think about it. And that totally killed the mood. I couldn't get it back and that's where the making out ended. Not long after I left to come home and grab some shuteye.

I don't know what's wrong. That's not true, I know what's wrong. We need a place with a bed that's secluded where we can makeout all we want and keep things moving along. We always hit a barrier. Haha, look at that. Always entails the 2 times we've done this. Anyway, I think we need to go away.

Which presents another problem. I want to go away Remembrance Day long weekend because it's a long weekend but James has a play to do Saturday night and then work on Tuesday. So where are we going to go? The only thing I could think about it Seattle. I think what we'll do it hold off on that and go away for New Years or try and convince him to take my Reading Week off and go away for that.

Right, so nevermind then

Remember how I was worried about liking James for the wrong reasons? Yeah, well, tonight sorted that out.

I started by totally screwing up (as usual) early in the evening. We were walking down Robson and James tried to put his arm around me. I pulled away because the light changed but it wasn't until I did that that I realized what I'd done. And then after that you can't really try and fix it, can you? So yeah, stupid me. But I totally redeemed myself when we were waiting in line for that Ghost Train. James asked if I was cold and I said I kinda was (even though I wasn't) so he put his arm around me and that solved that problem. The Ghost Train was really fun (it always is). After that we went back to James' place to hang out.

We're laying on his bed watching TV when a comercial comes on. So I turn over to look at him as we're talking. After a pause in conversation he tentatively leans in and kisses me gently. Deciding I want to move this along, I quickly take the kiss deeper and, before you know it, we're totally ignoring the TV and just making out. God did that feel good to finally get that far. And it just continued. He's totally incorrigible. He just kept kissing me (which I'm totallly okay with). When he did finally stop he just held me against him with both arms around me. We were kissing when I was thinking and came to a decision. I stopped, look into his eyes and saw such incredible love in them that I decided that I would be totally happy spending the rest of my life with him. I've pseudodated him for a year. And honestly, if he asked me tomorrow to marry him, I probably would.

It's such a funny realization to have. Definitely makes you feel all warm inside. I guess all I can do is sit and see what happens.

Talk About Ass Backwards

Whenever I get ready to go out I always do things in the wrong order. Take tonight for example. I straightened my hair, washed my face, put on my makeup (so far so good right?). Then I got dressed, promptly screwing up my makeup and messing up my hair. So I redid my makeup and fixed my hair. Only then did I decide that I wanted to put contacts in. So I put contacts in messing up my makeup. So my makeup's now been redone three times over the course of the prep time. And, after all that, I'm stuck waiting for James to get off work so we can go out. I've been waiting for about an hour and a half. So, in theory, I could have had a shower like I usually do and done all the prep stuff before getting dressed and putting makeup on. If only I'd thought it through a little bit more.

A Wee Bit Of Background

So there's this guy. I wonder how many blog entries start like that. Might be an interesting study into the psyche of women. What is it about a blank blog entry that makes women want to spill out all their worries/problems/concerns about the guy(s) in their life. But that's not the purpose of this. Returning from the deviation.

As I said, there's this guy. His name is James.

I guess this is going to require an explanation.

James and I worked together for a year until a little bit less than a year ago a mutual friend, Doug, sat him down and informed him that if, by chance, James were to ask me out Doug was 'fairly sure' that I would say yes. I think that's almost all of my relationships that have started that way. So eventually James asks me out. We did the typical 'dinner and a movie' that is so characteristic of a first date. We hung out with some friends the next weekend until on the third weekend we went to see the lights in Stanley Park that I end up seeing every year with my garçon du jour. We're standing in line when I made some comment about how I dislike being short (I consider my 5'5" short). James, a respectable 6'1" himself, laughed. I followed with a comment about him being the 'right height'. This resulted in a questioning look from James. My response was to tell him to put his arm around my shoulders. As is to be expected, the heights matched perfectly. I figured I'd started to dispell any barriers of physical contact that might exist. This continued all evening along with the banter that is typical of us.

We hung out some more, did the dinner and a movie a couple more times. Found ourselves a TV show to watch weekly which gave us an excuse to spend time together sitting on a bed. Until after about a month and a half I'd decided that I'd had enough of the beating around the bush and avoiding the topic. So, being typical of me, I came out and asked how he felt about me and what he wanted out of the relationship.

He said he didn't know what he wanted (a phrase I would become all too familiar with) and that he just needed time to figure it out. Being the considerate person I am, I gave him time. He got another week before I kissed him. I guess I just became impatient and was fed up with Doug pestering me about it. He kissed me back and then came up with something about not knowing if he wanted a relationship right now. The whole 'it isn't you, it's me' deal that just makes everyone even more sure that it is in fact them. So I let him be.

We continued hanging out every couple of weeks or so. Saw all the newest movies, I eventually met his friends. Everyone at work had decided that we were dating, it was only a select few who knew the truth. We never stopped it. I guess it was just easier to play along than tell 50 people that they're wrong and no, we're actually not dating, it just looks like it and you all seem to have decided that we are.

All this while I found myself trying to figure out what I wanted out of the relationship. James was sweet, honest, would do nothing to ever hurt me, had an evil side that I adored. I knew I wanted more but I couldn't figure out how much. I'm not usually one to date someone just for the sex (if you can call that dating). I knew there had to be a reason I was sticking it out and not just giving up on the whole thing and going somewhere else. I figured I wouldn't have too much of a problem finding a boyfriend otherwise. But I didn't. We morphed into being friends and just friends very well.

The hanging out continued until Victoria Day long weekend in May. I had made last minute plans to visit an ex-boyfriend of mine in Seattle (we actually get on quite well). I, offhandedly, asked if James wanted to come with me, never expecting him to agree. Much to my surprise and, well, utter shock, he said yes and we were off to Seattle. The agreed upon theory from my friends was he didn't want me anywhere near an ex-boyfriend. Not that he didn't trust me, he didn't trust the ex-boyfriend. Generally uneventful trip. We hung out with Andrew, met his friends, had some food. Andrew and James got on quite well so there really weren't any awkward moments. There was definitely something in James' eyes when I hugged Andrew goodbye and he held on a touch too long. It wasn't until the bus ride home that I wondered if something was going on and this relationship wasn't quite as platonic as I had originally thought. The bus ride was long so I fell asleep with my head on James' shoulder - something I would do on occasion in a movie theatre. He put his head on top of mine and fell asleep. We must have shifted because when I came to I was leaning against him with his arms around me and his head on top of mine, asleep. I went to move away and he only pulled me closer. There was definitely something there, the way he held me, that made me wonder what was going on inside his head.

As soon as we got back to Vancouver it returned to the relationship prior to Seattle. But I couldn't help but wonder what was going on.

Summer passed fairly quickly. We saw the fireworks with his friends. That was funny. I swear one of his friends hadn't got the memo that I was deemed 'hands off' and spent the whole evenng flirting with me while James shot him evil looks from the other side of the picnic blanket. On the last day of the fireworks we drove up to Whistler to spend the weekend together. Mainly I wanted out of this city and asked him to come with me. I'll never forget the look on his face when we walk into the room and there's one queen bed. It was priceless. Needless to say we got through it without too much quandry. I raised the issue on the way back from Whistler only to be caught with the same comments and uncomfortable silence.

I had coffee with Doug and ranted for an hour about how frustrating it is and how I can't stand not knowing where we stood or what we were. I wanted to fit us into a box, put a label on it, know where I stood and what to say when someone asked if I had a boyfriend. I decided I was waisting my time waiting for something that was never going to happen because James couldn't make up his damn mind about what he wanted between us and whether he 'thought of me in that way'. Whatever that means. I mean, if you look at someone and you have this overwhelming desire to kiss them doesn't that count for something?

I went back to school in September and James got caught up in his job so we went a couple of weeks without seeing each other. I went through the motions of trying to make friends, only knowing that since this is my last year I wasn't really looking for any lasting friendships, just to survive with good enough marks to do what I want to after. But there was this one guy who was in 2 of my classes. One day I figured what the hell and sat down, and started a conversation. Adam was interesting. Reminded me of one of my ex-boyfriends too much for me to want it to go anywhere past friends but it was nice to have someone to save you a seat and have coffee with you after class.

One Friday sitting in one of the campus pubs Adam brought up a principle we learned in Biology class. The principle goes females are the limiting sex due to the energy taken to produce eggs. Due to this, it is advantageous for the male to compete with other males for the best female and, when a male gets this female, he'd better hold on to her damn tight because another male will come along and try to steal her away. I looked at him as he took a drink of made the comment "so is this female happy with her present situation or would she like to be swept off her feet and stolen away". I kind of went "gahh".

Before I went back to school I told James that he'd better get his act in gear because chances were decent that there would be at least someone out at school who would try and make a pass at me and, since he wasn't there to beat them up, he'd better give me a reason to turn them down. Little did I know this would actually happen so quickly.

I saw James that evening and, after much deliberation, told him that he had competition. I also told him that I was fairly sure this competition was going to make some sort of a move. I left it at that, figuring he'd be smart enough to put the rest together.

I saw him the night after. We were sitting on his bed watching Battlestar Galactica (which I actually slept through and probably should re-watch) when I shifted to lay down and James put his arm around me and pulled me close. He'd done this once or twice before so I figured that it wasn't that big of a deal until he put both arms around me and held me. Now this was weird. I mean occasionally he'd put his arm around me if I was cold but that was purely to warm me up (or so I thought). We stayed like that all through the show. And when it was finished, he instigated a tickling match (again something he never does). It resulted in me straddling him, both arms pinned to the ground in some (sad) attempt to prove dominance and win. He sat up so I was sitting in his lap and puts his arms around me. I was looking into his eyes, thinking to myself that they definitely are an amazing shade of blue when he asked what I was going to do now that I'd won. I said I didn't know and asked if he had a suggestion.

I really should have seen the kiss coming. Looking back on the situation it was a perfect set up. He had me just where he wanted me and pulled it off. It was very un-James like. He's never smooth, suave and cool. He's a master as screwing things up, just like me.

Or at least it should have been. I don't know if I've been thinking of him as a friend for way too long that kissing him just sent me for a loop. I kissed him back (what else was I going to do?) but on the way home tried to figure out if this is what I still wanted. I'd wanted it for so long I just always assumed that it was still right. But now, almost a year later, I wonder if it's too late for us?

I'll see him on Friday so I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.