Maybe there is some sunshine behind the grey?
So I watched the latest episode of Gilmore Girls. I know exactly how Lorelei feels.
It made me want James. How odd is that. I've spent the whole week buried in my own thoughts, my own problems, my own life. It makes me want to stop. Just stop and spend time with him. I would like nothing more than to be able to put my arms around him, put my head on his chest, listen to his steady breathing, have him wrap me up tight in his arms and just fall asleep with him. I guess that's what I love most about him. He's always there - this steady influence. No matter what's going on, I know that he's always going to be there.
I thought about inviting him to convocation. How ironic would that be. I graduated high school and Andrew came to my graduation. I loved Andrew at the time. He was all I could ever ask for. And he loved me. Sometimes I regret what I did to him. I don't know what I'd do if I had to do it again. Sometimes I think things with Andrew could have worked. Sometimes I wish I could try again. I miss his friendship. The flip side of that coin is I'd never had the chance with James.
It's hard. There are times I never know if I'm coming or going. There's just so much going on. There's always so much to do. I want to stop and smell the proverbial roses. I miss the time we had in Seattle. I want to be able to sleep in until noon. Lazily get out of bed and just spend the day wandering. Have no worries in the world. I guess my life being so full keeps me busy. As my mom would say, it keeps me out of trouble. I want reading week to come. But I have so much to do. I'll take Friday and spend it with James. Maybe if I spend the day with him I can ground myself again. I want to tell him how much he means to me. But I don't know how. I don't know how to find the words. I don't even know if there are words.
What do I do if it's a ring? What does it mean? Does it mean anything? Did he do it because he wanted to or because he had to? Could I spend the rest of my life with him? Maybe. I thought you were supposed to know right away. I don't know what love's supposed to feel like. And it changes every day. I guess I just want someone to say to me 'yes, this is right'. But then that defeats life doesn't it? Isn't the purpose to enjoy the journey. I guess it's like what my mom says when someone asks her what she'd wish for. She says she'd wish for the knowledge that this is right and that it's all going to work out. She never wants answers - just the knowledge that it's all going to be okay. I guess that's what everyone wants, right? And yet it's so unachieveable.
The funny thing is, tomorrow all this will be just a memory and the world will all look brighter.
It made me want James. How odd is that. I've spent the whole week buried in my own thoughts, my own problems, my own life. It makes me want to stop. Just stop and spend time with him. I would like nothing more than to be able to put my arms around him, put my head on his chest, listen to his steady breathing, have him wrap me up tight in his arms and just fall asleep with him. I guess that's what I love most about him. He's always there - this steady influence. No matter what's going on, I know that he's always going to be there.
I thought about inviting him to convocation. How ironic would that be. I graduated high school and Andrew came to my graduation. I loved Andrew at the time. He was all I could ever ask for. And he loved me. Sometimes I regret what I did to him. I don't know what I'd do if I had to do it again. Sometimes I think things with Andrew could have worked. Sometimes I wish I could try again. I miss his friendship. The flip side of that coin is I'd never had the chance with James.
It's hard. There are times I never know if I'm coming or going. There's just so much going on. There's always so much to do. I want to stop and smell the proverbial roses. I miss the time we had in Seattle. I want to be able to sleep in until noon. Lazily get out of bed and just spend the day wandering. Have no worries in the world. I guess my life being so full keeps me busy. As my mom would say, it keeps me out of trouble. I want reading week to come. But I have so much to do. I'll take Friday and spend it with James. Maybe if I spend the day with him I can ground myself again. I want to tell him how much he means to me. But I don't know how. I don't know how to find the words. I don't even know if there are words.
What do I do if it's a ring? What does it mean? Does it mean anything? Did he do it because he wanted to or because he had to? Could I spend the rest of my life with him? Maybe. I thought you were supposed to know right away. I don't know what love's supposed to feel like. And it changes every day. I guess I just want someone to say to me 'yes, this is right'. But then that defeats life doesn't it? Isn't the purpose to enjoy the journey. I guess it's like what my mom says when someone asks her what she'd wish for. She says she'd wish for the knowledge that this is right and that it's all going to work out. She never wants answers - just the knowledge that it's all going to be okay. I guess that's what everyone wants, right? And yet it's so unachieveable.
The funny thing is, tomorrow all this will be just a memory and the world will all look brighter.
posted by Liamhain at 1:17 AM
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