A Wee Bit Of Background
So there's this guy. I wonder how many blog entries start like that. Might be an interesting study into the psyche of women. What is it about a blank blog entry that makes women want to spill out all their worries/problems/concerns about the guy(s) in their life. But that's not the purpose of this. Returning from the deviation.
As I said, there's this guy. His name is James.
I guess this is going to require an explanation.
James and I worked together for a year until a little bit less than a year ago a mutual friend, Doug, sat him down and informed him that if, by chance, James were to ask me out Doug was 'fairly sure' that I would say yes. I think that's almost all of my relationships that have started that way. So eventually James asks me out. We did the typical 'dinner and a movie' that is so characteristic of a first date. We hung out with some friends the next weekend until on the third weekend we went to see the lights in Stanley Park that I end up seeing every year with my garçon du jour. We're standing in line when I made some comment about how I dislike being short (I consider my 5'5" short). James, a respectable 6'1" himself, laughed. I followed with a comment about him being the 'right height'. This resulted in a questioning look from James. My response was to tell him to put his arm around my shoulders. As is to be expected, the heights matched perfectly. I figured I'd started to dispell any barriers of physical contact that might exist. This continued all evening along with the banter that is typical of us.
We hung out some more, did the dinner and a movie a couple more times. Found ourselves a TV show to watch weekly which gave us an excuse to spend time together sitting on a bed. Until after about a month and a half I'd decided that I'd had enough of the beating around the bush and avoiding the topic. So, being typical of me, I came out and asked how he felt about me and what he wanted out of the relationship.
He said he didn't know what he wanted (a phrase I would become all too familiar with) and that he just needed time to figure it out. Being the considerate person I am, I gave him time. He got another week before I kissed him. I guess I just became impatient and was fed up with Doug pestering me about it. He kissed me back and then came up with something about not knowing if he wanted a relationship right now. The whole 'it isn't you, it's me' deal that just makes everyone even more sure that it is in fact them. So I let him be.
We continued hanging out every couple of weeks or so. Saw all the newest movies, I eventually met his friends. Everyone at work had decided that we were dating, it was only a select few who knew the truth. We never stopped it. I guess it was just easier to play along than tell 50 people that they're wrong and no, we're actually not dating, it just looks like it and you all seem to have decided that we are.
All this while I found myself trying to figure out what I wanted out of the relationship. James was sweet, honest, would do nothing to ever hurt me, had an evil side that I adored. I knew I wanted more but I couldn't figure out how much. I'm not usually one to date someone just for the sex (if you can call that dating). I knew there had to be a reason I was sticking it out and not just giving up on the whole thing and going somewhere else. I figured I wouldn't have too much of a problem finding a boyfriend otherwise. But I didn't. We morphed into being friends and just friends very well.
The hanging out continued until Victoria Day long weekend in May. I had made last minute plans to visit an ex-boyfriend of mine in Seattle (we actually get on quite well). I, offhandedly, asked if James wanted to come with me, never expecting him to agree. Much to my surprise and, well, utter shock, he said yes and we were off to Seattle. The agreed upon theory from my friends was he didn't want me anywhere near an ex-boyfriend. Not that he didn't trust me, he didn't trust the ex-boyfriend. Generally uneventful trip. We hung out with Andrew, met his friends, had some food. Andrew and James got on quite well so there really weren't any awkward moments. There was definitely something in James' eyes when I hugged Andrew goodbye and he held on a touch too long. It wasn't until the bus ride home that I wondered if something was going on and this relationship wasn't quite as platonic as I had originally thought. The bus ride was long so I fell asleep with my head on James' shoulder - something I would do on occasion in a movie theatre. He put his head on top of mine and fell asleep. We must have shifted because when I came to I was leaning against him with his arms around me and his head on top of mine, asleep. I went to move away and he only pulled me closer. There was definitely something there, the way he held me, that made me wonder what was going on inside his head.
As soon as we got back to Vancouver it returned to the relationship prior to Seattle. But I couldn't help but wonder what was going on.
Summer passed fairly quickly. We saw the fireworks with his friends. That was funny. I swear one of his friends hadn't got the memo that I was deemed 'hands off' and spent the whole evenng flirting with me while James shot him evil looks from the other side of the picnic blanket. On the last day of the fireworks we drove up to Whistler to spend the weekend together. Mainly I wanted out of this city and asked him to come with me. I'll never forget the look on his face when we walk into the room and there's one queen bed. It was priceless. Needless to say we got through it without too much quandry. I raised the issue on the way back from Whistler only to be caught with the same comments and uncomfortable silence.
I had coffee with Doug and ranted for an hour about how frustrating it is and how I can't stand not knowing where we stood or what we were. I wanted to fit us into a box, put a label on it, know where I stood and what to say when someone asked if I had a boyfriend. I decided I was waisting my time waiting for something that was never going to happen because James couldn't make up his damn mind about what he wanted between us and whether he 'thought of me in that way'. Whatever that means. I mean, if you look at someone and you have this overwhelming desire to kiss them doesn't that count for something?
I went back to school in September and James got caught up in his job so we went a couple of weeks without seeing each other. I went through the motions of trying to make friends, only knowing that since this is my last year I wasn't really looking for any lasting friendships, just to survive with good enough marks to do what I want to after. But there was this one guy who was in 2 of my classes. One day I figured what the hell and sat down, and started a conversation. Adam was interesting. Reminded me of one of my ex-boyfriends too much for me to want it to go anywhere past friends but it was nice to have someone to save you a seat and have coffee with you after class.
One Friday sitting in one of the campus pubs Adam brought up a principle we learned in Biology class. The principle goes females are the limiting sex due to the energy taken to produce eggs. Due to this, it is advantageous for the male to compete with other males for the best female and, when a male gets this female, he'd better hold on to her damn tight because another male will come along and try to steal her away. I looked at him as he took a drink of made the comment "so is this female happy with her present situation or would she like to be swept off her feet and stolen away". I kind of went "gahh".
Before I went back to school I told James that he'd better get his act in gear because chances were decent that there would be at least someone out at school who would try and make a pass at me and, since he wasn't there to beat them up, he'd better give me a reason to turn them down. Little did I know this would actually happen so quickly.
I saw James that evening and, after much deliberation, told him that he had competition. I also told him that I was fairly sure this competition was going to make some sort of a move. I left it at that, figuring he'd be smart enough to put the rest together.
I saw him the night after. We were sitting on his bed watching Battlestar Galactica (which I actually slept through and probably should re-watch) when I shifted to lay down and James put his arm around me and pulled me close. He'd done this once or twice before so I figured that it wasn't that big of a deal until he put both arms around me and held me. Now this was weird. I mean occasionally he'd put his arm around me if I was cold but that was purely to warm me up (or so I thought). We stayed like that all through the show. And when it was finished, he instigated a tickling match (again something he never does). It resulted in me straddling him, both arms pinned to the ground in some (sad) attempt to prove dominance and win. He sat up so I was sitting in his lap and puts his arms around me. I was looking into his eyes, thinking to myself that they definitely are an amazing shade of blue when he asked what I was going to do now that I'd won. I said I didn't know and asked if he had a suggestion.
I really should have seen the kiss coming. Looking back on the situation it was a perfect set up. He had me just where he wanted me and pulled it off. It was very un-James like. He's never smooth, suave and cool. He's a master as screwing things up, just like me.
Or at least it should have been. I don't know if I've been thinking of him as a friend for way too long that kissing him just sent me for a loop. I kissed him back (what else was I going to do?) but on the way home tried to figure out if this is what I still wanted. I'd wanted it for so long I just always assumed that it was still right. But now, almost a year later, I wonder if it's too late for us?
I'll see him on Friday so I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.
As I said, there's this guy. His name is James.
I guess this is going to require an explanation.
James and I worked together for a year until a little bit less than a year ago a mutual friend, Doug, sat him down and informed him that if, by chance, James were to ask me out Doug was 'fairly sure' that I would say yes. I think that's almost all of my relationships that have started that way. So eventually James asks me out. We did the typical 'dinner and a movie' that is so characteristic of a first date. We hung out with some friends the next weekend until on the third weekend we went to see the lights in Stanley Park that I end up seeing every year with my garçon du jour. We're standing in line when I made some comment about how I dislike being short (I consider my 5'5" short). James, a respectable 6'1" himself, laughed. I followed with a comment about him being the 'right height'. This resulted in a questioning look from James. My response was to tell him to put his arm around my shoulders. As is to be expected, the heights matched perfectly. I figured I'd started to dispell any barriers of physical contact that might exist. This continued all evening along with the banter that is typical of us.
We hung out some more, did the dinner and a movie a couple more times. Found ourselves a TV show to watch weekly which gave us an excuse to spend time together sitting on a bed. Until after about a month and a half I'd decided that I'd had enough of the beating around the bush and avoiding the topic. So, being typical of me, I came out and asked how he felt about me and what he wanted out of the relationship.
He said he didn't know what he wanted (a phrase I would become all too familiar with) and that he just needed time to figure it out. Being the considerate person I am, I gave him time. He got another week before I kissed him. I guess I just became impatient and was fed up with Doug pestering me about it. He kissed me back and then came up with something about not knowing if he wanted a relationship right now. The whole 'it isn't you, it's me' deal that just makes everyone even more sure that it is in fact them. So I let him be.
We continued hanging out every couple of weeks or so. Saw all the newest movies, I eventually met his friends. Everyone at work had decided that we were dating, it was only a select few who knew the truth. We never stopped it. I guess it was just easier to play along than tell 50 people that they're wrong and no, we're actually not dating, it just looks like it and you all seem to have decided that we are.
All this while I found myself trying to figure out what I wanted out of the relationship. James was sweet, honest, would do nothing to ever hurt me, had an evil side that I adored. I knew I wanted more but I couldn't figure out how much. I'm not usually one to date someone just for the sex (if you can call that dating). I knew there had to be a reason I was sticking it out and not just giving up on the whole thing and going somewhere else. I figured I wouldn't have too much of a problem finding a boyfriend otherwise. But I didn't. We morphed into being friends and just friends very well.
The hanging out continued until Victoria Day long weekend in May. I had made last minute plans to visit an ex-boyfriend of mine in Seattle (we actually get on quite well). I, offhandedly, asked if James wanted to come with me, never expecting him to agree. Much to my surprise and, well, utter shock, he said yes and we were off to Seattle. The agreed upon theory from my friends was he didn't want me anywhere near an ex-boyfriend. Not that he didn't trust me, he didn't trust the ex-boyfriend. Generally uneventful trip. We hung out with Andrew, met his friends, had some food. Andrew and James got on quite well so there really weren't any awkward moments. There was definitely something in James' eyes when I hugged Andrew goodbye and he held on a touch too long. It wasn't until the bus ride home that I wondered if something was going on and this relationship wasn't quite as platonic as I had originally thought. The bus ride was long so I fell asleep with my head on James' shoulder - something I would do on occasion in a movie theatre. He put his head on top of mine and fell asleep. We must have shifted because when I came to I was leaning against him with his arms around me and his head on top of mine, asleep. I went to move away and he only pulled me closer. There was definitely something there, the way he held me, that made me wonder what was going on inside his head.
As soon as we got back to Vancouver it returned to the relationship prior to Seattle. But I couldn't help but wonder what was going on.
Summer passed fairly quickly. We saw the fireworks with his friends. That was funny. I swear one of his friends hadn't got the memo that I was deemed 'hands off' and spent the whole evenng flirting with me while James shot him evil looks from the other side of the picnic blanket. On the last day of the fireworks we drove up to Whistler to spend the weekend together. Mainly I wanted out of this city and asked him to come with me. I'll never forget the look on his face when we walk into the room and there's one queen bed. It was priceless. Needless to say we got through it without too much quandry. I raised the issue on the way back from Whistler only to be caught with the same comments and uncomfortable silence.
I had coffee with Doug and ranted for an hour about how frustrating it is and how I can't stand not knowing where we stood or what we were. I wanted to fit us into a box, put a label on it, know where I stood and what to say when someone asked if I had a boyfriend. I decided I was waisting my time waiting for something that was never going to happen because James couldn't make up his damn mind about what he wanted between us and whether he 'thought of me in that way'. Whatever that means. I mean, if you look at someone and you have this overwhelming desire to kiss them doesn't that count for something?
I went back to school in September and James got caught up in his job so we went a couple of weeks without seeing each other. I went through the motions of trying to make friends, only knowing that since this is my last year I wasn't really looking for any lasting friendships, just to survive with good enough marks to do what I want to after. But there was this one guy who was in 2 of my classes. One day I figured what the hell and sat down, and started a conversation. Adam was interesting. Reminded me of one of my ex-boyfriends too much for me to want it to go anywhere past friends but it was nice to have someone to save you a seat and have coffee with you after class.
One Friday sitting in one of the campus pubs Adam brought up a principle we learned in Biology class. The principle goes females are the limiting sex due to the energy taken to produce eggs. Due to this, it is advantageous for the male to compete with other males for the best female and, when a male gets this female, he'd better hold on to her damn tight because another male will come along and try to steal her away. I looked at him as he took a drink of made the comment "so is this female happy with her present situation or would she like to be swept off her feet and stolen away". I kind of went "gahh".
Before I went back to school I told James that he'd better get his act in gear because chances were decent that there would be at least someone out at school who would try and make a pass at me and, since he wasn't there to beat them up, he'd better give me a reason to turn them down. Little did I know this would actually happen so quickly.
I saw James that evening and, after much deliberation, told him that he had competition. I also told him that I was fairly sure this competition was going to make some sort of a move. I left it at that, figuring he'd be smart enough to put the rest together.
I saw him the night after. We were sitting on his bed watching Battlestar Galactica (which I actually slept through and probably should re-watch) when I shifted to lay down and James put his arm around me and pulled me close. He'd done this once or twice before so I figured that it wasn't that big of a deal until he put both arms around me and held me. Now this was weird. I mean occasionally he'd put his arm around me if I was cold but that was purely to warm me up (or so I thought). We stayed like that all through the show. And when it was finished, he instigated a tickling match (again something he never does). It resulted in me straddling him, both arms pinned to the ground in some (sad) attempt to prove dominance and win. He sat up so I was sitting in his lap and puts his arms around me. I was looking into his eyes, thinking to myself that they definitely are an amazing shade of blue when he asked what I was going to do now that I'd won. I said I didn't know and asked if he had a suggestion.
I really should have seen the kiss coming. Looking back on the situation it was a perfect set up. He had me just where he wanted me and pulled it off. It was very un-James like. He's never smooth, suave and cool. He's a master as screwing things up, just like me.
Or at least it should have been. I don't know if I've been thinking of him as a friend for way too long that kissing him just sent me for a loop. I kissed him back (what else was I going to do?) but on the way home tried to figure out if this is what I still wanted. I'd wanted it for so long I just always assumed that it was still right. But now, almost a year later, I wonder if it's too late for us?
I'll see him on Friday so I guess I just have to wait and see what happens.
posted by Liamhain at 10:40 PM
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