Maybe two isn't always better than one

Can you love two people at the same time? And if you can, what the hell do you do when you're dating one of them? In my first Ling class, I happened to sit down beside a guy named Mark. It turns out Mark's also in my anthro class. I got to know him better. He's incredibly funny, bright, hard working, educated - a lot of traits I value and ones James doesn't have. So last night, we decided to go see a movie. We went to Tinseltown and we were probably two of the six people in the movie. We sat in the back row where there are no arms only because I thought it would be funny. So we were sitting there waiting for the movie to start and I poked him in an attempt to determine if he's ticklish. He poked me back, I yelped and jumped and he laughed and then pulled me into a hug. I ended up cuddled up against his chest before I pulled away. Movie started. Halfway through, I put my head on his shoulder. I have no clue why but he put his hand on my thigh. This continued for about 15 minutes until I sat up. As if that wasn't enough, close to the end of the movie, I went to poke him but he beat me to it and poked me. I jumped into him and he put his arm around me and took my hand. As the movie ended, I sat up and looked into his eyes. It was all I could do not to lean in any closer and I'm positive I saw it in his face. I don't know if it's just a physical attraction or if it goes deeper. All I know is if this continues then I have to figure out what's going on with James. Even so, I'd love to see what Mark is like as a kisser...

Month 7: Evidence of Affection

So with this whole 'graduation' thing seems to come getting jobs. And some of my friends are getting jobs that aren't in Vancouver (ie Toronto). We were talking about what that does to a relationship. Long distance sucks. I know this. I will never EVER do long distance again unless I'm absolutely positive beyond a doubt in my mind that it's right. I was thinking about what I would do if I was in that position. Mainly what I'd do about James. So, I figured, there's no better way than to ask him. So I did. I don't know if the answer surprised me or not. After posing the theoretical question, he said that he'd be reluctant to join me. Now, I can take this one of two ways. The first way is obvious - that he doesn't love me enough to come with me. The second is a bit more subtle. I'd bet he's scared. Now the problem is, I don't know what he's scared of. We went to the car show yesterday and, as soon as he got comfortable with Mark and his girlfriend, James became affectionate. He put his arm around me a number of times and even held my hand (trust me this is impressive) as we were walking around. I was thinking to myself "dude, what the hell is going on he just took my hand". And then tonight. We ended up at Cleveland Dam. After walking along the dam we stood on a hill and looked out over the reservoir. James stood behind me, wrapped his arms around my shoulders and just held me. Again, I inwardly freaked out. He's always (always = since Seattle) very affectionate when we're making out but he's rarely affectionate when we're in public. I'm really confused. It makes me wonder if he actually is falling for me and doesn't know what to do with those feelings. It's nice but it's odd. Oh, and we hit the damn glass ceiling again. I really have to fix that.

Graduation smaduation ... or is it?

Hey look, a post not about James.

It looks like I'm going to graduate. Graduation. How ... odd. I'll be the first of my group of friends to do it. The first of my siblings. Only the third in my extended family. It's one of those things that you just never really think about. Until now. When I have to order tickets, pictures, gowns (I refuse to wear the hat). It's just a piece of paper, right? I don't know. I'm not sure how I feel about this whole 'graduation' thing. I guess that's why I'm going back. I'm totally not ready to enter the real world and have to go and get a job. I know how to do the whole 'school' thing. I'm good at it. It's safe. I don't know how to have a job. At least nothing more than a summer job. And, really, that doesn't count. So maybe it's a cowardly move. But a cowardly move that's going to earn me more money at the end. This graduation thing all seems a bit silly if you ask me. I am kind of interested about the hood though. One thing is for sure. There will definitely be partying after.

Artificial is really never as good as the real stuff

This whole 'messing with horomones' is really beginning to get old. Now I'm not the most predictable or reliable as far as horomones and regulation thereof go. And I know that. But that's fine. It's the drastic changes in sex drive that I'm totally not okay with. That and the breaking out. That really pisses me off. It takes me long to get going for sex than it used to (which I guess is fine, it's not like that's a huge deal) but this whole hormonal thing means that I'll get really really horny and really strange times. Usually before I go to sleep or just when I get up. I guess before I go to sleep makes some semblance of sense (maybe) and it definitely makes for interesting dreams but when I'm just waking up is so odd. You know that place in between sleep and consciousness where you can kind of control your dreams? That's when it usually happens. And it always involves James and it's always at night. Now this would be find if I lived with James. Hell, in Seattle that would be a typical routine. Well, until like noon. But that's besides the point. Since I don't live with James, I have to try and get myself calmed down and sorted out before I get out of bed and try to concentrate on the tasks at hand. Which usually adds an additional ten minutes to my day. Now I'm someone who will sacrifice a lot of things in the name of sleep so by this time I'm usually already late because I've hit snooze one too many times. And those extra ten minutes just seem to totally mess me up. Not only am I really late when I get up, I'm also cranky and out of sorts. I guess the moral of this is I'm just not a morning person.

Compromising Positions

James and I had to resort back to dealing with roommates again. It really makes me miss an empty house. Now if you had an empty house you can have sex on any available surface. Beds, couches, floors, washing machines... But with roommates you can't have sex on the couch. Or floor. Anyway, back to rant at hand.

We saw Premonition (not bad, not necessarily a 'must see in theatre' movie). Julian McMahon was so hot in Charmed. I love Tinseltown with the whole back row arms go up. We didn't have dinner before the movie because I didn't get off work until 6 and the movie was at 7:30 so we kinda gorged ourselves on popcorn. Which, in retrospect, was kind of a crappy dinner. After that, we went to Boston Pizza to try and get actual food. The waiter guy there kinda scares me. There's something about him that just freaks me out. After dinner we went back to James' place and watched last week's episode of BSG. Now, James is a huge BSG fan. I don't mind it, it's kinda cool. But I seem to have this predeposition to falling asleep on James' bed. After BSG James decided that we were going to 'watch' The Illusionist. With all my previous boyfriends we never really got into the whole watching-a-movie-just-as-an-excuse-to-make-out but it seems to be a common idea of James'. So the movie went on and the making out started. See, last weekend, making out was either really intense because we just bloody wanted sex or really slow and gentle because we'd just had the intense sex session.

But you can't do that with roommates around because they have this habit of walking in or walking by or calling to you from the other side of the house and you have to get up, see what they want and by the time you get back to the sex you've totally lost any motivation or sex drive. That didn't mean we didn't try. We kept hitting out proverbial glass ceiling where I just wanted to pull his shirt off and rip his pants off and just do him right there. That ends up being the problem. You get halfway there and are all horny and ready to have sex and then you get disapointed.

We definitely pushed the boundaries though. I was down to just a tank and James had a t-shirt and we were all over each other. We kept laughing because we'd be in positions that really weren't PG and definitely would result in an interesting conversation the next morning. Eventually we just got tired and fell asleep. That's the thing that mildly annoys me. After all the making out we both get tired and I end up falling asleep in his arms. And then, 3 hours later, I wake up and have to extract myself and drive home. Totally makes me want to move out with him even more. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I have to figure something out. That will also get us around that whole glass ceiling problem. Ah well, yay for inobtainable solutions.

Two worlds

I spent the weekend with James again. Not as much of the weekend as last weekend, but it was enough. It's such a different world. My world is always go-go-go. There's ALWAYS something to do, something that has to be finished or tended to. Sometimes I choose not to do it, but they're always there. There's always a to-do list. James' life is so ... quiet in comparison. There are no deadlines, no pressure, nothing that has to be done. It's so strange to wake up on Sunday morning and be able to lie in bed for an hour and just enjoy the warmth of the bed and having someone beside you. Granted that person beside you snores. (I didn't realize how much that would bug me) We didn't get to sleep until 4am. It wasn't just sex (granted there was a lot of that). There was a lot of talking, a lot of discussion. One thing just led into another. Nothing was on the taboo list. It was nice to be able to just ask a question and not worry about what he thought of me. I guess we're at that point where nothing surprises him anymore. It's almost been 6 months since we've been actually dating. I mean it's more like 18 months because of all the crap that happened before. 18 months. It seems like it hasn't been that long.

His birthday is on Thursday. I've heard that his parents want to do something. I don't know if I'm included in this or not. I hate meeting parents. I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing but coming off as witty, entertaining, intelligent. I never know how much I'm supposed to say. Oh, and on top of all of that, what the hell am I going to wear? Why can't we just take him out and get him drunk like a normal birthday is supposed to be? What's so wrong about that? It's so much easier for everyone.

Maybe there is some sunshine behind the grey?

So I watched the latest episode of Gilmore Girls. I know exactly how Lorelei feels.
It made me want James. How odd is that. I've spent the whole week buried in my own thoughts, my own problems, my own life. It makes me want to stop. Just stop and spend time with him. I would like nothing more than to be able to put my arms around him, put my head on his chest, listen to his steady breathing, have him wrap me up tight in his arms and just fall asleep with him. I guess that's what I love most about him. He's always there - this steady influence. No matter what's going on, I know that he's always going to be there.
I thought about inviting him to convocation. How ironic would that be. I graduated high school and Andrew came to my graduation. I loved Andrew at the time. He was all I could ever ask for. And he loved me. Sometimes I regret what I did to him. I don't know what I'd do if I had to do it again. Sometimes I think things with Andrew could have worked. Sometimes I wish I could try again. I miss his friendship. The flip side of that coin is I'd never had the chance with James.
It's hard. There are times I never know if I'm coming or going. There's just so much going on. There's always so much to do. I want to stop and smell the proverbial roses. I miss the time we had in Seattle. I want to be able to sleep in until noon. Lazily get out of bed and just spend the day wandering. Have no worries in the world. I guess my life being so full keeps me busy. As my mom would say, it keeps me out of trouble. I want reading week to come. But I have so much to do. I'll take Friday and spend it with James. Maybe if I spend the day with him I can ground myself again. I want to tell him how much he means to me. But I don't know how. I don't know how to find the words. I don't even know if there are words.
What do I do if it's a ring? What does it mean? Does it mean anything? Did he do it because he wanted to or because he had to? Could I spend the rest of my life with him? Maybe. I thought you were supposed to know right away. I don't know what love's supposed to feel like. And it changes every day. I guess I just want someone to say to me 'yes, this is right'. But then that defeats life doesn't it? Isn't the purpose to enjoy the journey. I guess it's like what my mom says when someone asks her what she'd wish for. She says she'd wish for the knowledge that this is right and that it's all going to work out. She never wants answers - just the knowledge that it's all going to be okay. I guess that's what everyone wants, right? And yet it's so unachieveable.

The funny thing is, tomorrow all this will be just a memory and the world will all look brighter.